On The Twentieth Century Libretto: Act Two

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On The Twentieth Century Libretto: Act One

Book and Lyrics by Betty Comden and Adolph Green
Music by Cy Coleman

PLEASE NOTE: Unless noted, these lyrics are from the "official record" - the script of the production, as revised by Comden and Green and published in 1987. Where these deviate from the cast recording or other sources, I have made a note.

ACT TWO

Scene One

As Act Two opens, four porters opine their thoughts.
NOTE: In the revised script and score, this scene is omitted and the music appears as the finale. It is included here, however, as it is recorded on the cast album (and often performed).

#15 Entr'Acte

#15a Life is Like a Train

PORTER #1
Wasn’t it Robert Fulton who said,
“Life is like a train”?
No, it wasn’t. He said
“Life is like a boat.”

PORTER #2
Wasn’t it Isaac Newton who said
“Life is like a train”?
No, it wasn’t. He said
“Life is like an apple”

PORTER #3
Wasn’t it Lord Chesterfield who said
“Life is like a train”?
No, it wasn’t. He said
“Life is like a coat.”

PORTER #4
Then who said it?

PORTERS
We did! We did!
Ha ha ha! Ho ho ho!
Life is like a train!
Life is like a train!
And aren’t we lucky to be making the ride
Together?
Life is like a train!
A roaring rushing train!
You get on at the beginning,
You get off at the end.
Along the way you may find a lover
Along the way you may find a friend.
In case you didn’t get the cosmic thought that hit our brain
Let us explain once again!
Life is like a train
Life is like a train
Life is like a train
Life is like a train
Life is like a train
Life is

PORTER #2
Not like an apple

PORTERS
Life is like a train
Life is like a train
Life is like a train
Life is like a T
R
A
I
N
Life is like a train
Life is not a boat
Life is like a train
Life is not a coat
Life is like a train
(x15)
There’s always a light at the end of a tunnel
There’s always something new round the bend
But this is our philosophy
And this it shall remain
Life is like a train
Life is like a train
Life is like a train
Life…is…like..a…train!

Mrs. Primrose offers to fund Oscar’s “Mary Magdalene” play, and with this money – and the incredibly attractive role – he is sure he can lure Lily back to the theatre under his direction. Unaware that their patron is an utter nut, everyone is looking forward to the future. Oscar is still forced to deal with impromptu script submissions, this time from the Congressman.

#15b I Have Written A Play (Reprise)
CONGRESSMAN LOCKWOOD
I have written a play, Mister Jaffee.
An average Hog Market Committee chairman’s day, Mister Jaffee.
It’s all about life on the Hog Market Committee.
I call it

OSCAR & CONGRESSMAN LOCKWOOD
“Life on the Hog Market Committee.”

CONGRESSMAN LOCKWOOD
I put it down just as it happened
Oh the things I’ve seen,
Oh the things I’ve seen,
If you put it on the stage I guarantee…...
(He is unceremoniously cut off.)

#16 Five Zeros
OWEN & OLIVER
One two three four five…
One two three four five…
Five zeros, preceded by a two,
Preceded by a dollar sign
Is too, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Wonderful for words.
Hello old friend,
Hello mister money.
You’ve been away so long,
Pull up a chair, put up your feet.
Hello old friend,
We’ve missed you Mister Money,
So stick around,
Don’t leave us,
Cause when you are here we eat!

MRS. PRIMROSE
(spoken) Ah yes. One more zero...

OWEN & OLIVER
Five zeros preceded by a two,

OWEN
Preceded by a dollar sign is

OLIVER & OWEN
Too, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, wonderful for words!

MRS PRIMROSE
Five zeros, preceded by a two
Is just the merest bagatelle,
There’s so oh, oh, oh, oh, oh much more I can do.
My newfound friends,
why what good is money?
Except to bring salvation
to this sorry vale of tears?

OSCAR
My newfound friend,
I’ll take your sacred money
And soon you’ll share the glory
when the theatre bursts with cheers!

OSCAR, OLIVER, OWEN, MRS. PRIMROSE
Hello old friend,
Hello Mister Broadway,
You ain’t seen nothing yet,
We’re gonna tear this town apart.
Hello old friend,
We’re bringing back to Broadway,
An Oscar Jaffee classic that’s commercial
Yet it’s art!
Five zeros, preceded by a two,
Preceded by a dollar sign is
Too oh, oh, oh, oh, oh wonderful for words!

#17 I Have Written A Play (Second Reprise)

DOCTOR JOHNSON
(spoken) But you don’t understand…
(sung) I have written a play, Mister Jaffee.
An average gastroenterologist’s day, Mister Jaffee.
It’s all about life in a Metropolitan hospital.

OWEN, OLIVER, OSCAR & DOCTOR JOHNSON
I call it “Life in a Metropolitan Hospital!

DOCTOR JOHNSON
I put it down just as it happened….
Oh, the things I've seen...

(He is, also, cut off.)

Scene Two

Oscar pitches the project to Lily and she is transfixed. As she fantasises about the role, Oscar leads her back to his drawing car to meet Mrs. Primrose. Everyone is pushing her to sign except Bruce – but Owen and Oliver manage to beat him or shove him out of the way anytime he says anything.

#18 Sextet (Sign, Lily, Sign)

OLIVER & OWEN
Hey Lily, hey Lily,
You’re home again at last.
Hi Lily, Hi Lily,

OSCAR
Boys, not too fast!
This is Mrs Letitia Primrose –
Letitia Restoria Primrose –
Mrs Primrose, meet Lily Garland.

MRS PRIMROSE
How do you do?
You’re the famous motion picture actress
Mister Jaffee said I’d meet today.
I believe in Oscar Jaffee!
My purse strings are open,
I’ll sponsor him all the way…

OLIVER & OWEN
Sign, Lily, sign, Lily,
Sign on the dotted line.
Sign, Lily. Come back to us, Lily, Sign.
It’s not a contract,
It’s more like a Valentine.
Sign it, Lily, sign, Lily, sign!

MRS. PRIMROSE
What a beautiful moment,
What a mystical moment,
This is more than a contract,
It’s more like taking the vows.

BRUCE (entering)
What the hell are you doing?
What the hell’s going on?
I go out for a shave –

LILY
Shhh, I’m reading –

BRUCE
A lousy little shave!

OSCAR, OWEN, OLIVER, MRS. PRIMROSE
Shhh she’s reading!

BRUCE
What’s that thing?

OWEN, OLIVER, MRS. PRIMROSE
It’s a contract.

OSCAR, OWEN, OLIVER
Shhh!

BRUCE
A contract?

OSCAR
It’s a contract.
Listen, Lily, who remembers who directed Bernhardt, Lily?
Who remembers who directed Duse, Lily?
No one will remember I directed you,
They’ll only think of Lily Garland
You are who they’ll write about, Miss Lily Garland,
You are what they’ll talk about, just Lily Garland
Sign it Lily, they’ll remember you forever

Everyone is thrust together singing in mock operetta style, with the four of them surrounding Lily and Bruce - each time he sings - getting treated violently by Owen and Oliver.

OSCAR
Listen, Lily, who remembers who directed Bernhardt, Lily?
Who remembers who directed Duse, Lily?
No one will remember I directed you,
They’ll only think of Lily Garland
You are who they’ll write about, Miss Lily Garland,
You are what they’ll talk about, just Lily Garland
Sign it Lily, they’ll remember you forever

OLIVER & OWEN
Sign, Lily, sign, Lily, sign on the dotted line!
Sign, Lily, come back to us ,Lily, sign!
It’s not a contract,
It’s more like a Valentine.
Sign it, sign it, sign, Lily, sign!

MRS PRIMROSE
What a beautiful moment,
What a mystical moment
This is more than a contract
It’s more like taking the vows.

BRUCE
What the hell are you doing?
What the hell are you doing?
Don’t sign it,
Don’t sign it
Don’t sign it!

OSCAR, OLIVER, OWEN, MRS. PRIMROSE
Sign it Lily
Sign it Lily
Sign it Lily
Sign it Lily

BRUCE
Don’t sign Lily!

OSCAR, OLIVER, OWEN, MRS. PRIMROSE
Sign it Lily
Sign it Lily
Sign it Lily
Sign it Lily

BRUCE
Don’t sign, Lily!

OSCAR, OLIVER, OWEN, MRS. PRIMROSE
Sign it
Sign it
Sign it

BRUCE
Don’t sign!

OSCAR, OLIVER, OWEN, MRS. PRIMROSE
Sign it
Sign it
Sign it

BRUCE
Don’t sign!

OSCAR, OLIVER, OWEN, MRS. PRIMROSE
Sign it
Sign it
Sign it

BRUCE
Don’t sign it!

LILY
Why am I even considering this?
Is it the two hundred thousand dollars?

OSCAR, OLIVER, OWEN, MRS. PRIMROSE
Sign it
Sign it
Sign it

BRUCE
Don’t sign it!

LILY
No. It’s more than that!
It’s something else.
Something else…
Hear my heart hammer
Feel my pulse quicken
He and I once again
Together.
Watch my hands tremble
Hear my voice thicken
Dare we fly once again
Together?
I got along without him
Felt sure and strong without him
I had to find a way to live my life alone
I called my life my own.
But how could I have known
That love from way back when
Would flood my heart again
That he’d walk in
And I’d hear strings begin.
To pull me back
To where I’d been
I mustn’t go
And yet I know I’m going
Deep sweet old feelings

OSCAR
Come back to me, my Lily
You must come back my Lily.

LILY
Wild long lost longings
He and I here we are

OSCAR
Let’s love and play together
For ever stay

LILY & OSCAR
Together

OSCAR
Your every sign cries ‘Oscar’
Your every breath breathes ‘Oscar’
I know you care, you

LILY
Every sign warns me
Every breath cries beware
. But I don’t

OSCAR & LILY
…Care!
Since we parted, empty days
Made up what I’d call my life.
Now he’ll fill those empty days
From now on and all my life together
(S)he and I together
(S)he and I together

OSCAR
Hey Lily,

LILY
Stop! Be smart!
Say no, you can’t go back
To long ago.
You can’t go back.

OWEN, OLIVER & OSCAR
You must come back

LILY
You can’t go back

OWEN, OLIVER & OSCAR
You must come back

LILY
You can’t go back

OWEN, OLIVER & OSCAR
You must come back

LILY
You can’t go back

OWEN, OLIVER & OSCAR
You must come back

LILY
You must say no

OWEN, OLIVER & OSCAR
You can’t say no

LILY
You must say no

OWEN, OLIVER & OSCAR
You can’t say no

LILY
You must say no

OWEN, OLIVER & OSCAR
You can’t say no

LILY
You must say no

OWEN, OLIVER & OSCAR
You can’t say no

Everyone now sings in counterpoint

OSCAR
Listen Lily,
Who remembers who directed Bernhardt, Lily?
Who remembers who directed Duse, Lily?

LILY
Should I say yes?
Should I say no?

OWEN & OLIVER
Sign Lily, sign Lily,
Sign on the dotted line!

MRS. PRIMROSE
What a mystical moment,
What a beautiful moment.

BRUCE
What the hell are you doing?
What the hell are you doing?

OSCAR
Sign it, Lily!
Sign it, Lily!

LILY
Can I go back to long ago?

OWEN & OLIVER
Sign it
Sign it
Sign it

BRUCE
Don’t sign it
Don’t sign it
Don’t sign it

The counterpoints end, as everyone surrounds Lily.

OSCAR
Sign it, Lily

OWEN, OLIVER & MRS PRIMROSE
Sign it Lily
Sign it Lily

BRUCE
Don’t sign, Lily!

LILY
Should I sign it?

OSCAR
Sign it, Lily

OWEN, OLIVER & MRS PRIMROSE
Sign it Lily
Sign it Lily

BRUCE
Don’t sign, Lily!

LILY
I can’t sign it.

OSCAR, OWEN, OLIVER & MRS PRIMROSE
Sign it, Lily

BRUCE
Don’t sign, Lily

LILY
Should I sign it?

OSCAR, OWEN, OLIVER & MRS PRIMROSE
Sign it, Lily
Sign it

BRUCE
Don’t sign

LILY
Should I…

LILY, OSCAR, OWEN, OLIVER & MRS PRIMROSE
Sign it,
Sign

At last, they all come together:

OSCAR, OWEN, OLIVER & MRS PRIMROSE
Lily, sign!

LILY
Should I sign?

BRUCE
Don’t sign!

Determined not to live in the past, Lily refuses to sign the contract. But Mrs. Primrose is willing to fund a Magdalen movie if Lily agrees to do the play, and she agrees but insists on having some time to herself before she signs the contract.
Scene Three

When the train stops in Cleveland, there are some unexpected passengers: Oscar’s producer rival, Max Jacobs is among them. And, more urgently, officers who are here to take back the nut on the train who has been posting the religious posters: it’s Mrs. Primrose, who escaped from an institution. The news quickly spreads, devastating Oscar’s plans. As the word spreads throughout the train, everyone becomes very active and frantic.

#19 SHE’S A NUT

DOCTOR FLANAGAN
It’s a very sad case.
She’s a nut,
She’s a nut.

FLANAGAN & OFFICERS
Mrs. Primrose is a nut.

OLIVER
She’s a nut?
She’s a nut?
Mrs. Primrose is a nut?

FLANAGAN & OFFICERS
She’s a nut.
She’s a nut.
Mrs. Primrose is a nut.

OLIVER
Mrs. Primrose is a nut?
But-but-but-but-but-but-but…
It’s a lie,
It’s a lie,
She’s as sane as you or I.

FLANAGAN & OFFICERS
She’s a nut.
She’s a nut.
She’s a real religious nut.
It’s a very sad case
It’s a very sad case
It’s a very sad case
It’s a very sad case
She’s the one who put up the stickers.
She’s the one who put up the stickers.

OLIVER
“Repent for the time is at hand?”

FLANAGAN & OFFICERS
“Repent for the time is at hand.”

OLIVER, FLANAGAN & OFFICERS
“Repent for the time is at hand”!

PASSENGERS
She’s a nut
She’s a nut
Mrs. Primrose is a nut
She’s a nut
She’s a nut
She’s a real religious nut.

OLIVER
(spoken) Owen! Owen!

OWEN
(spoken) Everything’s under control.
What’s up?

OLIVER
She’s a nut
She’s a nut
Mrs. Primrose is a nut!

OWEN
Mrs. Primrose is a nut?
But-but-but-but-but-but-but….
It’s a lie,
It’s a lie,
She’s as sane as you or I

OLIVER
She’s a nut,
She’s a nut
She’s a real religious nut.
She’s the one who put up the stickers!
She’s the one who put up the stickers!

OWEN
“Repent for the time is?”

OLIVER
“Repent for the time is.”

OWEN & OLIVER
“Repent for the time is at hand”!

OWEN
No, no!

OLIVER & OWEN
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Five zeros, alone without the two.
Alone without the dollar sign is zero!
Zero!
No, no, no, no.
It’s a very sad case,
We’re a very sad case
We’re a very sad case.
She’s a nut!

OFFICERS
She’s a nut!
Mrs. Primrose is a nut!

OSCAR
Mrs. Primrose is a nut?
But-but-but-but-but-but-but….
It’s a lie,
It’s a lie,
She’s as sane as you or I

CONDUCTOR & OFFICERS
She’s a nut.
She’s a nut.
She’s a real religious nut.

OLIVER & OWEN
She’s the one who put up the stickers!

OWEN, OLIVER & MEN
She’s the one who put up the stickers!

CONDUCTORS
She escaped from a mental institution
And her nephew sent these officers to come
And take her off the train.

OSCAR
Oh no, no, not Mrs. Primrose...

ALL
Oh yes yes yes, Mrs. Primrose...

OLIVER & OWEN
We are back in a state of destitution
‘cause her check is made of rubber
And our hopes are slipping down the drain!

OSCAR
No no no, not Mrs. Primrose!

ALL
Oh yes yes yes, Mrs. Primrose
Is a nut,
She’s a nut

OSCAR
But but but but but but but

ALL
It’s a very sad case
It’s a very sad case

CONDUCTOR
Let us know the second that you see her!

BRUCE
She’s a nut,
She’s a nut,
Mrs. Primrose is a nut

LILY
Mrs. Primrose is a nut
But-but-but-but-but-but-but?
It’s a lie,
It’s a line
She’s as sane as you or I

BRUCE
She’s a nut
She’s a nut
She’s a real religious nut.

LILY
No! What will become of my movie?
What will become of my movie?
Wait till I get my hands on Oscar
Wait till I get my hands on him!

ALL
She’s a nut
She’s a nut
Mrs. Primrose is a nut
She's a nut
She's a nut
She's a real religious nut!
(X3)
She’s a nut!

Mrs. Primrose ends up hiding on the roof of the train ,and then on the observation deck, as the passengers and conductors attempt to hunt her down.

#20 MAX JACOBS

MAX
Lily, I’ve come
I flew out by plane!
I just made the train.
It’s Max Jacobs.

OSCAR
(spoken) Max Jacobs! Aaaaah!

LILY
(spoken) Maxie! My angel!

MAX
Look what I’ve got
For you to see.
Act One, Act Two, Act Three.
Took no chances,
Used my brain.
Hopped on the plane
And made the train.

LILY & MAX
Look what I’ve (You’ve) got for you (me) to see.
Act One, Act Two, Act Three.

LILY
(spoken) Maxie, am I glad to see you!

Scene Four

Max does indeed have a play for Lily, an elegant Somerset Maugham drama called “Babette”, in which she will play the lead character. Oscar is riled, since Max was once his errand boy and is now a successful producer. But although the prestige of the Magdalen play still attracts her, the fact that there’s now no guaranteed funding – and the glamour of the Babette project – has Lily torn.

#21 BABETTE
LILY
(reading) “An evening late in June.
A formal dinner at Babette’s.
The talk is sharp and swift.
And yet the atmosphere is fraught with tension.
Everyone is there.
Corrupt (She laughs a trilling corrupt laugh) and debonair.
A Mayfair set convention.”

As Lily envisions the storyline, the play begins around her.

LILY
(spoken)Babette speaks…
“I gave this small soiree
To tell you all the shrieking news.
I’m leaving Rodney’s bed.
The joke is that I’m also leaving Nigel.
What a shabby lot.
Bedecked with jewels
Between two fools
All hope is gone
The dance goes on
And make the music hot!”

As Lily reads, she quickly mumbles through other actors' lines but devotes herself fully to Babette's. The actors around her mime their lines as Lily speaks them.

LILY
(spoken) Rodney speaks! “Babette, if you think that you can throw away…” and so on and so on…
Nigel speaks!” “But! Babette, this charade will have to end” and so on and so on…
Rodney: “why, you filthy slu…” and so on and so on
And the guests chatter, and so and so and so…
Babette!
(sung) “My cigarette is out.
Oh Rodney, please give me a light.
I need another drink,
She sneers and hurls her glass of gin at Nigel.
What a shabby lot.
We get away
To St. Tropez
In gin and bitters
Drown my jitters.”

Owen, Oliver and Mrs Primrose appear across the stage in Biblical costumes. They are part of Lily's mind: the half that is still tied to the Magdalene play. Oscar's voice comes from above, like God.

OSCAR
(spoken) Lily, forget Babette! You’d be magnificent as Mary Magdalene!

LILY
Yes! Take your wine away!
Reborn am I today!
Redemption!
Our sins will be forgiven
And we shall be…
No.

(Returning to Babette):
“I need another drink.
I think I’d like a sip of champagne
or better still a snort of cocaine
or better still…”
(Magdalene):
Oh brothers, sinners, kneel with me.
Let’s pray for Dear Cyril’s gone to pot.
His liver’s simply shot
His brain has turned to cotton
Teeth all rotten
Let us seek salvation!
(Babette):
I'm sick of Rodney. Nigel. Nigel. Rodney. Rodney. Nigel.
My cigarette is out
The gin is never strong enough.
I live for endless loving
boozing
dancing
cruising..”
We shall be saved!
Boozing dancing crusiing
We shall be saved!
Rodney nigel Rodney boozing dancing cruising
We shall be!
My cigarette is
Saved!
My cigarette is ‘
Saved!
My cigarette is
Saved!
Where are you, Rodney
Nigel, nigel, Rodney, Rodney
Nigel, oscar, oscar, oscar, oscar.
Oscar! (spoken) Oscar!

CHORUS
Ah….

Seeing Oscar amongst the Biblical group, Lily makes up her mind. LILY
(spoken) Oscar! Goodbye Oscar! Goodbye Mary Magdalene!
(sung) Max, I love this play!
Deh deh deh deh
Deh deh deh deh deh
Max, I’ll do this play!
Deh deh deh deh
Deh deh deh deh deh
Max, I really really love this play!
I can safely say
I will slay Broadway.
Make way for bad Babette
The darling of the Mayfair set
Deh deh deh deh
Deh deh deh deh deh
Deh deh deh deh
Deh deh deh deh deh
Depraved,
Debauched
And déclassé
Max I really really love this play
Chic and tres risqué
Weary and soignée
It’s Babs the British witch
The idol of the idle rich!
Deh deh deh deh
Deh deh deh deh deh
Deh deh deh deh
Deh deh deh deh deh
Degenerate
Decadent
Hey, hey, hey!
Max, we’re set
You’ve lit my cigarette.
Max, I’ll do Babette!
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba
Babette!

Scene Five

With Lily deciding to do Max’s play, Oscar is thrust into desperation. Owen and Oliver are stunned to find him with a gun. He tells them that he is going to end it all, and offers to leave them all his worldly possessions.

#22 The Legacy (Last Will and Testament)
OSCAR
You may feel bad for a while.
But it’s better far this way.
For I am much too good a showman
To dwindle like a snowman
Melting down one sunny day.
My office one overflowed
With celebrities galore.
I ruled Broadway like a king
But now what lies in store?
(spoken) Boys, can’t you see it? Oh God.
(sung) I can see a lonely shuffling figure
Haunting Shubert Alley.
(spoken) "It’s Crazy Oscar", hear them cry!
"Get Officer O'Malley"!
I meant no harm. Please help me up!
Where are my pencils? Where are my cup?
Oh thankyou lad, I’ll move along.
(sung) Pencils. Pencils. Who’ll buy my pencils?
Crazy Oscar’s song.
You wouldn’t want to see me that way.
Boys, I know when I’ve had my day
My story ends.
The drama’s through.
I leave my worldly possessions to you.

To you I leave my cape and my fedora.
To you I leave my mustache wax.
To you I leave an ostrich fan from “Flora Dora”.
To you I leave my unpaid income tax.
To you I leave my bust of Henry Irving.
To you I leave my headache pills.
To you, my set of Theodore Dreiser
My portrait of the Kaiser
And a ten foot stack of unpaid bills.
And when you hear a lonely whistle blowing
Some future time while riding through the night
Could be that whistle is your dear departed Oscar
Calling "Boys let’s meet at Luchow's for a bite".
To you I leave my Japanese kimono
To you I leave my cane and spats
To you I leave a worn out record of "Ramona"
To you I leave my gravy stained cravats
To you I leave my letters to the critics,
To you I leave a large false nose
To you my bowl of red wax cherries
A wig of Ellen Terry’s
And some ticket stubs from “Abie’s Irish Rose”

Owen and Oliver are crying.

OSCAR
(spoken) Boys, boys, dry your eyes. I don't want to see you weeping. I want smiles! And pride in the memories of your association with me. Some day in the future, when you are feeling low... I want you to go to your closet, and when you open that door...

(sung)Take out my cape and my fedora
And put it on and think of me
And call to mind my charismatic aura
And the legacy I left to thee!

The boys assume Oscar is joking until a shot rings out from his room. They are stunned to see Oscar emerge in pain, and Mrs. Primrose following with the gun. She simply tried to take it off him, but the gun went off. It turns out that Oscar isn't even wounded, but – after convincing Dr. Johnson to lie in exchange for reading his script – Oscar has his men inform Lily that he has been shot. Lily rushes to the stateroom, where she finds Oscar seemingly near death – and making a melodrama out of it.

#23 LILY, OSCAR (OSCAR-LILY)

OLIVER
(spoken) He can't talk much. The doctor says it's right through his heart...

OSCAR (feebly)
(spoken) Who is that crying?

LILY
(spoken) It’s Lily.

OSCAR
(sung)Lily!

LILY
(sung)Oscar, why did you do it?

OSCAR
There was nothing left,
They all went away:
Those I loved and needed.
It’s getting dark,
Stay a little while longer, Lily.

LILY
Oscar. Oscar.

OSCAR
(spoken) No tears, please. I only wish I could have seen you just once more. Held you just once more.
(sung) Lily. Lily!

LILY
Oscar!

OSCAR
Lily!

LILY
Oscar!

OSCAR
Where’s that contract?
The last one I drew up for Lily Garland?

OLIVER
Here it is.

OSCAR
I want you to bury this with me
When I’m dead.
Put it on my body
Next to my heart
When it has stopped beating.
Is she still here?

LILY
I’m here beside you.

OSCAR
Lily

LILY
Oscar

OSCAR
Lily!

LILY
Oscar!

OSCAR
Lily!

LILY
Oscar!

OSCAR
Where’s the contract?

OLIVER
Here it is.

OSCAR
Ask her if she would care
To write her name on it.

OLIVER
His last request.

LILY
Yes. Yes.

OSCAR
Lily!

LILY
Oscar!

OSCAR
Lily! Lily!

LILY
Oscar! Oscar!

OSCAR
This will be my monument!

LILY
Oscar!

OSCAR
Lily!

LILY
Oscar!

OSCAR
Lily…

Oscar passes out. Max Jacobs rushes in, confident that Lily is about to sign his contract for “Babette”. Oscar bursts up, very much alive and uninjured, to shove the triumphant contract in Max’s face. Lily is not amused by his feigning death, but tells him to look closer at the contract she signed. He does: it says “Peter Rabbit”. The two, outraged by each other, hurl insults at each other until they realise just how similar they really are, and fall into each other’s arms.

#24 FINALE

#24a: LILY, OSCAR (reprise)
CHORUS
Lily!
Oscar!

#24b: LIFE IS LIKE A TRAIN
In the script and score, this song is placed here (rather than at the opening of Act Two) and sung by the leads.

OSCAR
Wasn’t it Robert Fulton who said
“Life is like a train?”

LILY
No, it wasn’t. He said
“Life is like a boat.”

BRUCE
Wasn’t it Isaac Newton who said
“Life is like a train?”

MRS. PRIMROSE
No, it wasn’t. He said
“Life is like an apple.”

OWEN
Wasn’t it Lord Chesterfield who said
“Life is like a train?”

OLIVER
No, it wasn’t. He said
“Life is like a coat."

OSCAR, LILY, BRUCE, MRS. PRIMROSE, OWEN, OLIVER
Then who said it?
Who said it?

ALL
We did.
We did.
Ha ha ha, ho ho ho
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ho ho ho ho ho
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ho
Ha ha ha ha ho
Life is like a train.
Life is like a train.
Aren’t we lucky to be making the ride together.
Life is like a train
A roaring rushing train
You get on at the beginning
You get off at the end
Along the way, you may find a lover
Along the way, you may find a friend.
In case you didn’t get the cosmic thought that hit our brain
Let us explain once again!
Life is like a train
Life is like a train
Life is like a train
Life is like a train
Life is like a train
Life is
Not like an apple
Life is like a train
Life is like a train
Life is like a train
Life is like a T
R
A
I
N
Life is like a train
Life is not a boat
Life is like a train
Life is not a coat
Life is like a train
(x14)
There’s always a light at the end of a tunnel
There’s always something new round the bend
But this is our philosophy and so it shall remain
Life is like a train
Life is like a train
Life is like a train
Life is like a train!

THE END

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