On The Twentieth Century Libretto: Act Two
PLEASE NOTE: Unless noted, these lyrics are from the "official record" - the script of the production, as revised by Comden and Green and published in 1987. Where these deviate from the cast recording or other sources, I have made a note.
After four flops in a row, theatre impresario Oscar Jaffee plots his next move, and in doing so leaves his closing production’s actors stranded, without even cab fare…
#1 Overture
#2 Stranded Again
ACTOR
Stranded again...
CHORUS
Ah….
ACTOR
Beached again,
Washed up on the shore like driftwood in Chicago.
Like garbage in Chicago.
CHORUS
Ah….
ACTOR
Swindled again...
CHORUS
Ah…
ACTOR
Screwed again.
Cheated out of two weeks’ wages in Chicago.
Plus car fare from Chicago.
CHORUS
Ah, ah, ah…
Stranded again,
Beached again
Cheated and misused,
Abandoned and abused
By a master...
disaster...
in Chicago!
#3 Saddle Up The Horse
OLIVER & OWEN
Saddle up the horse without delay,
Ship Ahoy! We sail at break of day.
Ours not to question, ours not to reason,
Ours to obey.
OWEN
(spoken) Back at the hotel, I’ll keep ‘em busya t the desk!
OLIVER
(spoken) I’ll sneak the bags out the back…
OWEN & OLIVER
(spoken) Right!
(sung) Let down the drawbridge while you keep the motor racing,
Maybe we’ll have to swim the river.
Working for Jaffee, though continually bracing,
also destroys the heart and liver!
What’s new today?
We’re gonna sneak away
Through a shower of rotten eggs
With our tails between our legs
On the Twentieth Century
On the Twentieth Century
In Drawing Room “A”!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
CHORUS (PORTERS, CONDUCTOR, PATRONS)
We point with the deepest pride
To the grandest ride
On the New York Central Railroad:
The aristocrat of locomotive trains.
New York in sixteen hours,
Anything can happen in those sixteen hours
On that mighty, ride-the-night-y
Miracle of engineering brains
On the Twentieth Century
On the Twentieth Century
On the luxury liner of locomotive trains!
TWO CONDUCTORS
All the service you enjoy while stationary
When you are at home or at a swell hotel
Now is yours at fifty miles an hour
From a staff that jumps to serve you when you ring your bell
LETITA PRIMROSE
All aboard leave your cares behind you,
Say goodbye to the ties that bind you.
CONDUCTORS, PORTERS AND PASSENGERS
Have your pants pressed, have your hair curled.
Nothing but the best on this eighth wonder of the world!
OLIVER
How much time before we go?
OWEN
No time left before we go.
OLIVER
Will Oscar make it?
OWEN
How will he make it?
OLIVER & OWEN
I don’t know!
CHORUS (ALL)
Our heart with emotion reels
When the Prince of wheels
Starts to make its daily journey
Either Chi N.Y.
Or else N.Y. to Chi…
New York in sixteen hours,
Anything can happen in those sixteen hours
As in flight a-
-cross the night A-
-merica the Beautiful rolls by
On the Twentieth Century
On the Twentieth Century
On the luxury liner between N.Y. and Chi,
Life and love and luck may be changed
Hope renewed and fate rearranged
On the Twentieth Century
On the Twentieth Century
On the luxury liner between N.Y. and Chi.
Life and love and luck may be changed
Hope renewed and fate rearranged
On the Twentieth Century
On the Twentieth Century
On the luxury liner between N.Y. and Chi.
As the train departs Chicago, Oscar reveals his plan to Oliver and Owen. They claim Drawing Room A - blackmailing a philandering Congressman to do so - because Oscar’s former lover and artistic protégé, Lily Garland, will be boarding the train and staying in the next compartment. Lily is now a major movie star, and Oscar’s men doubt that she will want to star in Oscar’s new play. He believes otherwise…
#4 I Rise Again
OSCAR
(spoken) Traitors! Look at the two of you: Judas Iscariot and his sister Sue. You think I’m finished? They all think I’m finished. Just because I've had a failure... all right, four failures. But what glorious ones! The burning of Joan of Arc in "The French Girl" was the most transcendant theatrical experience since "The Magic Fire" scene in "Die Walkuere"! Let me enemies gloat. Let them kick me when I'm down... but every time they think I’m through…
(sung) I rise again
Full size again,
And give those doubting Thomases a walloping surprise again!
I sneer at them,
I jeer at them,
I thumb my nose and bite my thumb and bare my royal rear at them!
With my back up against the wall,
With the wolves yapping at my heels,
With the noose tightening ‘round my neck,
That’s the time I know how living really feels.
With the wall up against my back,
With the water rising to my chin,
Chained and bound tight inside a sack,
That’s the plight that I’m delighted in!
For I have powers like Aladdin’s Genie did.
I do escape tricks better than Houdini did.
In the black of my cul-de-sac,
Do I crack and fall? No – I attack!
With my back up against the wall…
OLIVER & OWEN
Listen boss, you’ve got to use your brain.
Everyone you owe will meet the train
OSCAR
I Shine again,
All is mine again,
A fighter rising from the canvas at the count of nine - -
OLIVER & OWEN
Nine? The count is ten!
You’re out! The drums of doom are knocking.
Your theatre and your offices
The bankers will be locking.
OSCAR
I spit at them,
Spray flit at them.
I’ll face those grim Goliaths with my sling shot
And I’ll hit at them.
With my back up against the wall,
Angry birds pecking with their beaks
Or submerged, sealed inside a tomb –
That challenge brings the roses to my cheeks.
So rally ‘round me now, my musketeering men.
We’ll turn that raging lynch mob into cheering men!
From the false reports of my demise,
Like the phoenix right before their eyes
With my back up against the wall…
OWEN
With his back up against the wall…
OLIVER
With his back up against the wall…
OSCAR
I rise again!
OWEN & OLIVER
Ah-ah-ah
ALL THREE
I (He’ll) rise again!
#4a Oscar Jaffee/Lily Garland
We are cast back in Oscar's mind: Auditioning pampered actress Imelda Thornton, Oscar found himself much more impressed with Mildred Plotka – the young accompanist – who despite her own insecurities managed to sing much better than the star.
PORTERS/CONDUCTORS
(Sung to the rhythm of the wheels)
Oscar Jaffee
Oscar Jaffee
Lily Garland
Lily Garland
They continue until the scene changes...
#5 The Indian Maiden’s Lament
IMELDA
By the gray Shaboueesee Riverbank,
The Choctaw maiden sadly sits
With her raven hair uncombed
And drums on her birch bark bagooda
And cries for her brave who has roamed…
Brave
Mine
Come back
Fine
Follow through in your,
(spoken)Uh... Uh...
MILDRED/LILY
In your canoe!
IMELDA
(spoken - angry!) Thank you.
(sung) Brave
Mine
Come back…
MILDRED/LILY
(Spoken) Uh-uh-uh-uh, this time it goes up a fourth there.
IMELDA
(Spoken) What?
MILDRED/LILY
Come back fine!
IMELDA
Come back
MILDRED/LILY
(Spoken) Uh-uh-uh
(Sung) Come back
IMELDA
Come back
MILDRED/LILY
Sorry… come back
Fine
Follow through
In your canoe!
#6 Veronique
LILY
Pardon me, but I’ll be late –
I have to catch my subway train.
Pardon me, and thanks a lot,
But Mr. Jaffee… you’re insane.
OSCAR
Goodbye…
LILY
Pardon me, I’ve got my folks –
What I earn, it pays the rent.
Pardon me and thanks a lot,
But Mr. Jaffee… I’m content.
OSCAR
(Spoken) Uh-huh
LILY
(Spoken) Do you really think I can do it?
OSCAR
(spoken) Here! Read.
LILY
(spoken)
General Otto Von Bismarck’s quarters outside Paris. Enter Veronique La Rue in her simple garb: A singer of the streets. Smarting under her refusal to give herself to him, Bismarck threatens to destroy Paris. Veronique feels her power and stands her ground with fiery pride. “Fiery pride!” I can’t do this!
What does Mildred Plotka know about fiery pride?
OSCAR
(Spoken) Who is Mildred Plotka? LILY GARLAND, I want the same fire and pride with which you demanded your twenty cents! Go on. Continue.
LILY
(almost entirely expressionless)
Veronique, she wink an eye;
Veronique, the bullets fly;
Veronique, she close the door
and start the Franco-Prussian war.
Veronique, the femme fatale;
Veronique, the fleur-de-mal;
Veronique! Veronique! Veronique! Veronique!
OSCAR:
Veronique! Veronique! Veronique! Veronique! Veronique! Veronique! Veronique!
#7 I Have Written a Play
CONDUCTOR
I have written a play, Mr. Jaffee.
An average conductor’s day, Mr. Jaffee.
It’s all about life on a train.
I call it "Life… On A Train".
I put it down just as it happened
Oh, the things I’ve seen
Oh the things I’ve seen.
If you put that on stage I guarantee –
Take it from me! –
It will be
A big success.
Oh yes!
A big success!
CHORUS
It’s Lily Garland! Lily Garland! Lily Garland!
Hear my heart hammer,
Feel my pulse quicken,
Me and her on this train together.
Watch my hands tremble,
Hear my voice thicken,
Me and her on this train together.
OSCAR
I’ll be with
OSCAR & CHORUS
Lily Garland.
OSCAR
Right here with
OSCAR & CHORUS
Lily Garland
OSCAR
My Lily,
We’ll travel close together
All across the land
CHORUS
Together
OSCAR
We’re almost hand in hand
CHORUS
Together.
OSCAR
It’s more than I can stand
CHORUS
To know my favourite star
Is not so very far.
That somewhere there her scent will fill the air.
She’ll change her dress.
She’ll comb her hair.
Oh lucky me,
Can it Be?
I see her
Slim
Stop pushing!
Don’t shove me!
That’s my place!
Hey watch it!
Move over!
Excuse me
Stop kicking
I’ll kill you
Don’t block my view
You’re crowding
Move Over
She’s waving
She’s smiling
As the train prepares to leave the station, Lily bids a dramatic farewell to her costar and lover, Bruce Granit. He has latched on to her as a meal ticket but she is secretly happy to be rid of this boorish man, although only her maid Agnes knows this. Unfortunately for Lily, Bruce fails to get off before the train departs – and must join her on the trip to New York.
Owen and Oliver come to see Lily to beg her to return to Oscar. He is so poor that his theatre is about to be repossessed. Lily remembers the jealous, possessive Oscar Jaffee she left, and refuses.
#9 Never
LILY
Let me see.
Let me see.
When would I be available?
When will I be free?
March? September? June? November?
Nineteen thirty three?
Nineteen thirty four?
Thirty five?
Thirty six?
Never?
Never!
Never – that is the word I use,
Never – that is the word I choose,
Tell him, tell him you really tried
Tell him, tell him that really I’d rather die!
Never! Never is much to quick,
Never! He makes me much too sick
Let him save his own hateful hide
Let him know he’s so hateful, I’d rather die!
OLIVER & OWEN
Lily, come back to him!
LILY
Never, I hear that his failure has been fantastic
OLIVER & OWEN
Lily, come back to him!
He might do something drastic.
Lily, he hasn’t a cufflink on which to borrow.
LILY
Lovely!
OLIVER & OWEN
They’re taking his theatre away tomorrow
LILY
Never! That is the word I seek.
Never! That is the word I shrieeeeeeek!
Never – tell him you heard it here;
Never – tell him you heard it clear,
Tell him if he comes through the door
I will trample him through the floor.
Tell him, tell him I’ll strangle him!
Tell him, tell him I’m mangle him!
Tell him… (stutters incoherently)
Go back with him.
Here’s my reply:
Let me see… I’d rather die!
OSCAR
Our private world is like a play about a pair of lovers.
The plot says only we may enter
And only we may share the light of love, stage center.
Our private world is sweet like this,
Complete like this,
Far beyond the throng,
Sure and strong,
We belong together.
You opposite me, opposite you,
Safe on our planet made only for two.
Night after night, day after day,
Living our private two-character play
Here in our private world.
OSCAR & LILY
Our private world is like a play about a pair of lovers.
The plot says only we may enter
And only we may share the light of love, stage center.
Our private world is sweet like this,
Complete like this,
Far beyond the throng,
Sure and strong,
We belong together.
You opposite me, opposite you,
Safe on our planet made only for two.
Night after night, day after day,
Living our private two-character play
Here in our private world.
The lunatic on the train has been putting stickers everywhere, which say “Repent for the time is at hand!”. The conductor is earnestly searching for the nut, unaware that it is saintly Mrs. Letitia Primrose.
#11 Repent
LETITIA PRIMROSE
On the Twentieth Century
On the Twentieth Century
As in flight across the night,
America the Beautiful rolls by.
All those windows;
All those people;
All those lives.
Across the land, in every home,
In humble hut or pleasure dome,
I know there’s dirty doings going on.
The man who seeks the fancy whore,
The boy who locks the bathroom door,
Ah yes. I know. There’s dirty doings going on.
And I must spread the word.
And save you from your fate.
You must mend your ways
Before it is too late!
Repent, repent, repent!
Stop those dirty little doings,
Every man and boy and wife.
Repent, repent, repent!
Stop those wicked little wooings
That are screwing up your life.
Walk the narrow path, my friends
And keep your thinking pure.
Try to lift your mind, my friends,
A notch above the sewer.
Repent, repent, repent!
Reform, reform, reform!
Take a nice, icy shower when you’re feeling warm.
In every town we’re passing through,
Beneath a bush, inside the zoo.
I know there’s dirty doings going on.
The devil tempts us every day,
The backseat of a Chevrolet,
Could be the place with
Dirty doings going on.
So heed this simple rule
To save you from your doom
Do only what you’d do
With mother in the room.
Repent! Repent! Repent!
In the fiery pits of Hades,
It’s too late for your laments.
Repent! Repent! Repent!
There’s a fiery pit for ladies
And a fiery pit for Gents.
Now’s the time to choose my friends,
The afterlife you’ll fit.
Waltzing on a cloud, my friends,
Or turning on a spit.
Repent! Repent! Repent!
And join the angel band!
Repent! Repent! Repent! Repent!
Repent for the time is at hand!
I know there’s dirty doings going on.
I know there’s dirty doings going on
And on…
Like you I once was wild.
Men shouted, “Oh you kid”
A life of shame I led
And dirty doings did.
Until one night I saw the light
And heard salvation’s call.
(mimics)Ta da da da da da da da da da…
I’m so glad I didn’t hear it
Until I’d done it all.
Repent though sinning may seem swell
Repent! Recant! Return! Renounce!
Repent or go to hell!
Inspired by the lunatic’s stickers, Oscar decides his new play will be The Passion of Mary Magdalene. He knows now that this will be too good a role for Lily to turn down. In his room, meanwhile, Bruce continues to convince himself that Lily will stay with him in Hollywood.
#12 Magdalene Music
#13 Mine
OSCAR
(Speaking into his mirror) Hello you.
BRUCE
(Speaking into his mirror) Hello you.
OSCAR
Your flashing wit.
BRUCE
Your flashing eyes.
OSCAR
Your brilliant brain.
BRUCE
Your brutal thighs.
OSCAR & BRUCE:
These are the tools you’ve got at your command
OSCAR
To make her mine
BRUCE
To keep her mine
OSCAR
To make her mine
BRUCE
Your crooked smile.
OSCAR
Your inner fire
BRUCE
That spells romance
OSCAR
That sparks desire
BRUCE
Cuddly, crunchy
OSCAR & BRUCE
You’ve got what the ladies cry for
OSCAR
Crafty, cunning
OSCAR & BRUCE
You are what they’d gladly die for.
OSCAR
Talent, genius
OSCAR & BRUCE
You’re the stuff that dreams are made of.
BRUCE
He-man, lover
OSCAR & BRUCE
What have you to be afraid of?
What have you to be afraid of?
You’re almost perfect but one thing is true…
You need her desparately, but she does not need you.
OSCAR
She runs the show.
BRUCE
She runs the show.
OSCAR
She leads the band.
BRUCE
She leads the band
OSCAR
The royal flush
BRUCE
The royal flush
OSCAR
Is in her hand
BRUCE
Is in her hand
OSCAR & BRUCE
Face it old boy,
You can’t afford to fail.
Must not fail,
dare not fail,
will not fail.
OSCAR
So flash that smile.
BRUCE
And flash those eyes
OSCAR
And use that brain
BRUCE
And use those thighs…
OSCAR & BRUCE
Hey team, yay team,
Break right through the line!
There is no stronger challenge than
An independent woman…
You can do it, you can do it
BRUCE
Got to keep her
OSCAR
Got to make her…
OSCAR & BRUCE
Mine!
Mine!
All mine!
Scene Nine
Oscar comes to see Lily to sort out the issue. Bruce is aghast to learn that they were once in a relationship, but Lily has him well trained. When she tells Oscar that she is going to sign a contract with Hollywood producer Max Jacobs, Oscar is outraged.
LILY
Life is simply great.
My silverware is gold.
Through my Bel Air estate,
Champagne’s a flowing river.
Next to my Rolls Royce,
A Cadillac’s a flivver.
I’m in clover
And my cup it runneth over.
I have left my footprints in the wet concrete,
My home town now has a Lily Garland street,
I am mobbed by fans who faint and shriek my name,
(laughs) The Price of fame.
Look at you and me,
The sweetest story told.
I’m high as I can be,
You’re lying in an alley.
Trilby found her voice –
She doesn’t need Svengali!
You’ve got nothing and I’ve got it all.
Forgive my lack of tact,
But here’s the basic fact:
You’ve got nothing and I’ve got it all.
OSCAR
(spoken) Are you finished?
LILY
(spoken) No, you are!
(sung) Chauffeur, butler, cook
OSCAR
(spoken) You’re spoiled
LILY
They’re foreign and they’re old.
OSCAR
Your reputation’s soiled.
A billion shopgirls ape you.
Nightly nationwide,
A billion farmhands rape you.
LILY
Please stop trying.
What you’d like to sell me, I’m not buying.
Don’t come at me with a contract,
I will not sign any contract.
OSCAR
Contract? Contract?
Who said contract?
Did you hear me mention contract?
I came here with a dream
We shared once long ago.
Two hearts with one grand scheme:
LILY
(spoken) Don't you know when something's over?
OSCAR
(spoken) This was a professional dream.
(sung) The role that you were made for.
A role, a chance to play
That Bernhardt would have paid for.
LILY
Save your breath.
Don’t even try.
Back again with you?
I’d rather die!
OSCAR
Perhaps it’s just as well.
I’ve seen you on the screen.
On stage you wove a spell,
With each new play it deepened.
But now your art is gone,
It’s coarsened and it’s cheapened.
Since you rolled out –
Since you sold out
To cheap Hollywood.
Sleazy, cheesy Hollywood,
Pitiful, city full of celluloid slime.
LILY
(spoken) You’re just jealous.
OLIVER
Ermine vested,
Vermin infested
Home of freaks and sheiks and geeks
And celluloid crime.
LILY
(spoken) Sour grapes!
OLIVER
Playing foolish parts,
Every part the same,
Morons who direct,
Crucify your name.
Lily on display,
Just a bargain sale.
Lily face the truth,
Lily you’ve gone stale!
LILY
(spoken) Stale?
OSCAR
Another stale cheap dolly
From cheap, cheap Holly…
LILY
My life is simply great.
My silverware is gold.
Through my Bel Air estate,
Champagne’s a flowing river.
Look at my Rolls Royce –
OSCAR
Poor Lily, you’ve gone stale.
LILY
The movie public’s choice!
OSCAR
That’s not the Holy Grail.
LILY
All the biggest names in town
Are begging to be asked to dinner.
OSCAR
Give them all a year or so,
They’ll drop you for the latest winner.
LILY
I did it all myself.
OSCAR
Keep your tainted pelf
LILY
Got there by myself
OSCAR
Landed on the shelf
LILY
Never needed you
OSCAR
Lily, you are through
LILY
I’m a winner
OSCAR
You’re a loser.
LILY
Stop your trying,
I’m not buying.
OSCAR
Tragic story,
lost your glory.
LILY
Some Svengali,
In an alley.
OSCAR
Shop girls ape you,
Farmhands rape you.
LILY
I’ve got it
OSCAR
You’ve lost it
LILY
I’ve got it!
OSCAR
You’ve lost it!
LILY
I’ve got it.
OSCAR
You’ve lost it!
LILY
I’ve got it!
OSCAR
You’ve lost it!
Cheap Hollywood…
LILY
I’ve got it all
OSCAR
Cheap Hollywood
LILY
I’ve got it all
OSCAR
You’ve lost it!
LILY
I’ve got it
LILY & OSCAR
All!
#14 End of Act One
CHORUS
Life and love and luck may be changed.
Hope renewed and fate rearranged
On the Twentieth Century
On the Twentieth Century
On the luxury liner between N.Y and Chi!